Dis Connected

Tonight, I sit to write, as a way to try and make some sense of a torrent of thoughts and emotions that swirl through me like a roaring hurricane. (Where it ends I do not know, but I hope if someone reads this, that it speaks to you in whatever way you need.)

This evening I had the honor of listening to a young couple share their testimony and how they became connected with the work of Spirit Of Martyrdom Ministries. And ashamedly I admit I went out of a sense of obligation when all I really wanted to do this evening was come home and relax; knowing that what I should be doing is ticking a few more things off the never-ending, always growing list of tasks I have. Yet as I already sensed and as experiences have continually shown me, I knew going would mean I'd be blessed; even in my state of mind. And sure enough, I entered in obligation and left with a deep conviction. 
You are the salt and the light... -Matthew 5:13-16

I listened to the personal testimonies the speakers shared and the testimonies of others they gave who have come to Christ from some heart-wrenching, desperate situations and now are walking in incredible purpose. And as the enemy is so good at doing, it became twisted in my mind- "how would I ever be an effective witness for Christ when I have been so blessed not to experience such dire depths?" I feel like I am dis-connected, unrelateable and (ironically) lacking a conviction of faith to boldly defend and answer for it, because the road I have walked in reality (though I can be a queen complainer) has not really rocked me... I have been so fortunate and blessed. Why? What am I doing with this life?! The only answer I can give, is I cannot deny what is so real and personal and alive and relevant for me. And I wonder if that is enough for someone who hasn't experienced it themselves?

I think Christians sometimes so want to "set themselves apart" that we forget(?) what the world needs is a lot more love and a lot less judgment. (I think the challenge comes in when the world screams for acceptance [which they interchange with love] of things that are contrary to God but loving a person is not accepting the sin. Christ loved us while we were yet sinners. (Romans 5:8)

As I write this, the answer resurfaces again, like oil in water, "spend time with Me..." My soul and spirit long to be used for my King's glory and all He has gently and ever so quietly (and patiently!) asked from me over the last year is to spend time with Him, to go deeper, to know His heart. I know that every mental torment I face, every physical struggle, would succumb if I hid myself in the shadow of His wings and put His word upon my heart. 

But yet, not by chance but by design (for we wrestle not against flesh and blood, Ephesians 6:12) I have somehow managed to commit myself to even more and stretched myself just a little bit thinner and wear myself down so that at the end of the day it feels like there is nothing more to give and every morning is such a challenge just to get myself out of bed and going again. I'm very aware of the spiritual battle raging around me but feel very helpless. 

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." 
Romans 7:15     

And that helplessness leads to embarrassment and a desire to isolate. I stand before Christians who seem to "have-it-all-together" and are walking in the fullness of their ministry and gifts and I ache for that. And because I struggle to die to myself, my desires (Galatians 5) continuously, I begin to feel ashamed. I have such a heart to give, serve and love, that being in this state routinely and constantly "needing" ministry from others is... ouch. Humiliating? As I try to think of a word that conveys my feeling there it hit me, am I prideful?! I just feel contrite always taking when my desire is to give. 

I know, how can you give what you first do not receive? And to receive we must be open... Thank you Lord for this time of release, and clarity. Help me Jesus to walk in your ways, boldly. And to be filled with You. Illuminate the dark and hidden places in my heart I have not fully given you, I surrender them to you now and ask you to do what I cannot. Transform me. Amen.   
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. -Psalm 119:105


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