Every one is looking to fit somewhere ... right? And yet, we were created to fit somewhere, divinely knit together in our mother's womb and placed at this point in time, for such a time as this; a specifically and intentionally crafted piece of the puzzle to a bigger picture. Created on purpose - for a purpose.
I've often joked that I was born in the wrong era. And while I sometimes sincerely feel that way, I know that God knows best. So I am not a minute or decade or era too early or late - and neither are you. So what do we do with our now?
Within recent years I pretty much begged God to show me what His will was for my life so that I could walk in it ... or towards it at least! But my pleas were met with silence, yet not ever having been left alone; or with the gentle response to just press in to Him and not to focus on the calling. It doesn't seem like that would be such a difficult request or pursuit. But for someone with my personality it was! As someone who was battling insecurity and self-worth, "doing" or performing something well has always given me a (false) sense of self-worth and value and security. It was in that season of rest that God was not only restoring and healing me from wounds, some I was even unaware existed, but also helping me to learn that His love is not given based on what we do or how well we do it. His love is freely given in greatest measure because that is who He is. We cannot earn what has already been poured out on us in greatest measure; His unconditional, everlasting LOVE.
This season of rest may not make much sense from the outside looking in. Especially in our society which is so driven by busyness or as Priscilla Shirer stated it "addicted to the chaos and noise." And to be honest, sometimes I still struggle with it myself. There have been so many well-meaning people in my life that have wanted to call out "my gifts" and help me plug in somewhere ... it's been tempting. But I realize that unless I am plugged in to the only true power source, powering up what He has created me for, I will only surge before burning out.
I had dreams ... but they had been boxed away and forgotten. Another gift of our society is the need for immediate gratification. Right now ... all of it. And because I am impatient and I didn't have all the details I packed my dreams away like meaningless gifts ... Until preparing for Peru. That's when a handful of people seemed to have unknowingly found those forgotten boxes in the depths of my being and dusted them off, not realizing what lay inside of them or how relevant the words they spoke over me were.
Going to Peru was like peaking inside of them again ... it awakened in me dreams I once carried. Hopes I had over my life.
I wouldn't go as far as to say I am depressed since being home but definitely struggling.
There are so many ministry opportunities here at home - one thing my heart aches to do ... serve and love on others. Yet God has given me a collection of passions and interests and I am just not sure where my piece fits in this bigger picture ... yet.
When dreams have been awakened, it's hard to going back to "sleeping" again. And I am not content to do so. But now questions I once put to rest for a season of just pressing in and soaking are burning even hotter in me; harder to put away. Yet I am still not sure that this is the season of revealing God has for me yet either. Transitioning from one season of life to another isn't always easy, yet I am convinced that there is always more to life - we are being beckoned deeper into the waters if we will trust and take those steps in faith.
I'm not sure if I am in a season of rest still, or taking baby steps forward, but one thing I know, heart open - I'm listening.
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